In My Defense
by Melchy
Summary: The late husband of Carolyn Muir would like to speak his mind.


-1This story was written in 2001 and is one of the first Gamm stories I wrote. While it's not the view I actually have of Robert Muir, it is awfully fun to play around with. He can be such a delicious jerk.

None of the characters from the Ghost and Mrs. Muir including Robert Muir and Blair Thompson belong to 20th Century Fox and not me. I only dabble in their lives, I don't own them.

Thanks to Susan who did the edit long ago and to Mary for suggesting I post it here.

In My Defense

It has been brought to my attention that for being such a minor player in this game, I seem to be getting a lot of coverage. People seem to delight in painting me as an irresponsible playboy type who either married Carolyn Williams out of pity or family duty or because I didn't have anything better to do.

Let me say, this is not true.

I first met Carolyn Williams my senior year at Temple College (now a university I'm told) in Philadelphia. She was a junior and I still can't believe that she had been there for two years before I noticed her. That's what college and copious amounts of hard liquor did for my observation skills.

We actually met on a blind date that my roommate and best pal Steve had set up for me. He was dating a hot looking thing named Annie who had a friend she thought I should get to know. So Annie and Steve set up the meeting for us to get together at a local Italian restaurant. I was told that Carolyn would be wearing a blue dress and she had shoulder length blonde hair and green eyes.

I remembered thanking Steve for his helpful description, telling him if I ended up with the wrong woman, married and had children with her and then discovered it was not the right Carolyn Williams, "I'd have to kill him."

He just laughed and said I'd know her when I saw her and just to trust him. "I've never led you astray before." I decided not to bring up the catastrophe of Linda Clark and went on to the restaurant.

I had bought a new suit and thought I looked pretty good if I did say so myself. I was slightly nervous since several of the guys had been so helpful.  
R has a date with Carolyn Williams." Jake Getty said just a little too loudly in the lounge of our frat house.

"What? You have a date with the "ice princess?" Matt was laughing hysterically now.

"Ice princess?" my collar felt way too tight now.

"Yep, that's what's she's known as in select circles. Seems she thinks she's too good to be, shall we say friendly with just anyone."

"Wants a career R, and she's serious about it. You might as well forget it right now."

The first minute I saw her sitting at a back table, casually sipping her water and looking wonderful I knew she was the woman for me.

We had a great time and stayed out much later than I had thought we would. I asked if I might kiss her goodnight and she agreed. More thrilling still she agreed to go out with me the next night. Things were definitely looking up.

By Christmas we were considered to be the most envied couple on campus, not to mention the cutest. I have to admit we looked great together, I was tall and tanned and she was so exquisite looking.

I decided I would take her home to meet my parents over the holidays and she took me to her home as well. My mother was enchanted with her (she had always wanted a daughter,) my father didn't say much only grunted and said that at least she was darned attractive.

Mr. Williams was hard to read but he seemed to like me well enough and put me through the obligatory questions about what I wanted to do with my life and how long had I been dating his daughter.

We attended a party over the holiday at a friend of the Williams' family and I saw my old arch rival there from Dexter Academy--Blair Thompson.  
How I hated Blair Thompson and had been the ring leader in more than one prank against the namby-pamby man. You could have run over me with a truck when I found out that he and Carolyn had dated. And that he was the man that everyone assumed would marry her.

His hand had been cold when I shook it and I thought again that even after all these years he still had a face like a fish. "So nice to see you again Richard." he welcomed me.

"Robert!" I fairly screamed at him. He could never get my name straight. But it wasn't really his fault, he wouldn't have remembered his own name I was sure if his mommy hadn't written it inside his underwear with a waterproof marker.

"Whatever." he had drawled. " I see you are here with Carolyn."

That set us off on a lot of (I've been told) insecure male comparisons and how we each knew she preferred us and that's when we made the deal. I bet Blair Thompson 1,000 that not only would I be married to Carolyn by the time she graduated college but by the end of February we would be on more intimate terms. If we weren't I'd have to pay him an extra 1,000. It was a sucker bet and he took it. I knew that Carolyn was in love with me and this would be the easiest money I would ever make.

I really feel that I should move on in my narrative but it is vitally important that you understand this next part. We returned to school in January and settled back down into our classes. I had gone skiing with Steve and some of my other buddies in Aspen for the last week of vacation and we had a great time, skiing, drinking way too much and picking up the ski bunnies along the trial. I knew I was in trouble when in a private moment with one of them I called her Carolyn. Maybe I was in love too.

That thought scared me a little, I had never really been in love before. I figured I must be in love with her because I actually wanted to be with her most of the time, not just for fun. She began to consume my thoughts and I found myself wanting to be with her more than anything. I figured I had to test myself, so I "visited" an old friend and found that I did indeed want only Carolyn.

We made love for the first time on Valentine's Day and I must tell you to make myself clear, it was HER idea. I couldn't imagine why I had wasted all my time with other woman and went back to my room and threw away my little date book. ( I did retrieve it the next day though just in case.)  
By June I had proposed and we were suffering through our mothers' planning a huge elaborate wedding that would take place the next June.  
My life was fairly well sewed up at this point. I would graduate in May and would start an internship at Bartlett and Cramer, both who were colleagues of my father.

Carolyn and I would get married after her graduation and then we would move up to Boston so I could attend law school and she would do whatever it was that writer's did. Life would be perfect and I would have beaten out Blair Thompson one more time.

But life doesn't always work out the way you plan.

My internship fell through and I had to get a job for the summer working in a law library taking dusty case studies off the shelf and putting them back on. Carolyn spent most of the summer in classes, so that her work load would be a little easier to handle her last year and I found myself pursuing other pleasures, with her so wrapped up in her own pursuits.

The wedding was getting closer (I thought that four months was still quite a while but not so my mother told me) and it really was getting to be nerve wracking and I wasn't sure that Carolyn (or Ce-Ce, as I called her) was going to make it. She hated anyone to make a fuss over her and she felt that everyone was going overboard on what should be a simple affair.

The day her mother brought home an elaborate wedding dress, Carolyn came to see me at my apartment and after dinner (which I cooked, her cooking was just so-so) and some quality spent time she brought up the subject of eloping.

It appealed to me and so we decided we would do it. Carefully we made our plans, getting the license and taking blood tests, contacting a priest in New York and adjusting honeymoon plans. We decided that the Bahamas would be impractical and expensive and so we settled on a week in Cape Cod.

February 3, 1960 I became a married man and also I might add 1,000 richer. I couldn't wait to show Thompson the proof that I had indeed bagged my prize. And besides now that we were married, life would just have to be better. How could it not be when I had a classy lady like this at my side.

Famous last words.

I didn't get accepted at Harvard, my LSATS were too low and my father didn't have enough pull to get me in. So I applied at the University of Pennsylvania who would accept my scores and hoped the next three years would go by quickly.

Married life was indeed wonderful and I couldn't imagine ever living any other way. I went to work during the day and Carolyn was at school and then we'd both get home around 5:00 and find something to eat (usually we went to the diner around the corner) and then settled down for the evening. Her smile was the last thing I saw at night and the first thing I saw every morning and I knew I was a lucky man. She was devoted to me and I loved her more than I could possibly have ever thought.

The day I got the money from Blair I went out and bought her a new dress and a lacy nightgown and then put the rest down on a horse. The horse didn't win but I figured I was ahead anyway so I didn't really care.

But by the time May and graduation were upon us ,in just three short months, my routine was already messed up.

Carolyn was so sick she could hardly stand to go to her own graduation and barely made it off the stage. We actually had her graduation party, two weeks after the event. A visit to the doctor gave me the shock of my life, she was pregnant. Three months to the day. I laid in bed at night trying to figure out the timing on this until it drove me buggy. Pregnant? That's the last thing I needed.

Carolyn took a job at a small local newspaper as a copy editor, while I returned to the law library and studied for school in the fall.

My parents paid our rent and her parents helped with food. For some reason Ce-Ce was upset by this but I figured that's what parents were for. After all it wasn't my fault that I couldn't find a decent job. I did manage to borrow 500 from Steve for a few expenses but figured most of it would do better on a horse. Was it my fault that the horse didn't win? I had to do something in my spare time didn't I? And since I had sworn off women, gambling would have to fill the bill.

I seemed to have lots of spare time in those days. Carolyn was so riddled with morning sickness and fatigue from being pregnant that our sex life had gone out the window. She never wanted to anymore and told me firmly that she would let me know when. I tried to be a good boy and as much as I loved her, I was only human. I mean after all, it was June before I did anything, and that was only as a last resort. But gambling can only fulfill certain needs in a man after all.

I did start law school that September and Carolyn went to work full time at the paper.

My parents felt that we should give up our apartment and move in with them, but I knew it was important for Carolyn to have her own place and I refused. So they kept paying our bills, my mother slipping me money on the side for myself.

I always made sure that our bills were paid and we had food and clothes and Carolyn had money for the doctor. The rest I figured was mine and I could do with what I wanted. I did have to admit that Carolyn's paycheck came in handy and had saved us more than once. I rued the day that she would have to stop work when the baby arrived.

My grandmother already thought that it was scandalous that I allowed my wife to work 8 months pregnant but I couldn't talk her out of it. I really was so busy studying, I didn't realize how fast the time was going.

November 9, 1960 I was in the middle of my law and ethics class when I got a call to go the dean's office.

I was trying to remember if I had failed a major test, or maybe that girl last week had been the dean's daughter? _Oh please God anything but that _I prayed fervently. If this had nothing to do with her I promised God I would give up women and gambling for keeps.

"Muir" the dean greeted me with his usual constipated look. "Your mother-in-law has been trying to get in touch with you. Seems your wife has gone into labor."

It didn't hit me until that moment then when people became pregnant they didn't stay that way. A real baby was on it's way and I was going to be a real father.

I found my father-in-law and my father sitting in the waiting room, drinking coffee and discussing business.

"Well, it's about time you got here." my father greeted me.

"I'm sorry I was in class, I didn't know. Carolyn didn't say anything to me this morning."

"Probably didn't know herself." Mr. Williams handed me a cup of coffee. Babies pride themselves on sneaking up on you."

I took the cup and sat down trying to concentrate on the men's' conversation but I couldn't. I was going to be a father and I wasn't sure I could handle that. Being a husband was like falling off a log, but a father!

"There you are." Emily Williams approached me giving me a hug. "Carolyn was hoping to see you before they had to take her up, but it was getting too late. She sends her love."

"How is she?" I asked suddenly feeling very sorry I hadn't been here before and wondering if she were okay.

I thought that the next five hours were the longest ones in my life but everyone including the other men in the room assured me that I was getting off easy. One man told me he had waited 36 hours for his last child to make an appearance. But five hours later, a doctor approached me, shook my hand and told me I had a daughter.

On my way up to Carolyn's room, my feet felt like they had wings, I had never had such a high.

Carolyn was sleeping when I came into the room but when I sat down on the bed and kissed her hand she opened one eye and smiled at me.

"I love you so much." I said, kissing her gently.

"I love you too." she answered, giving me one of those smiles that would make a man do anything to get another one.

The nurse brought the baby in and handed her to Carolyn while I looked on in awe. What a perfect, tiny, red-faced, bald thing my daughter was – and I was in love instantly. After a few minutes she handed the baby to me and as I took my daughter in my arms, I knew I had found my rightful place. I had been born to be a father. My little girl screwed up her nose , sneezed in my face and I thought she was the most divine creature. I touched her soft skin and marveled at how small she was.

"I guess we have to think of a name." I finally said. I had assumed that the baby would be a boy and we would name him after my father.  
We talked for a few minutes and decided that we both liked the name Candace very much and it seemed to fit the small girl, so we agreed on that. We'd worry about middle names later, and I don't know if she ever got one.  
I truly was the most devoted father you ever saw. My favorite time of the day quickly became the part where I would hold my precious daughter, rocking her to sleep and telling her stories. I learned to bathe her, and change diapers and even put up with constant baby spit. I was never happier then when I was with Candy.

Things were perfect for the next six months. I did well in school and Carolyn kept house and cared for the baby and we were very happy. For our first anniversary, we went to a hotel and spent the night in the honeymoon suite and it was the first time in ages we had been alone. I had truly forgotten how lovely my wife was and how happy my life was because of her. As I held her that night I once more affirmed that I would give up all vices and be the kind of husband and father I should be.

I was finally starting to see the light at the end of my tunnel when disaster struck again. I only had one more year of school and already had a promising job offer at McCutcheon, Wade, and Cole when I did graduate. After I was established there we could buy a house and Carolyn could stop writing. I really did appreciate the small amounts of money she brought in from occasional articles, but I didn't feel that it was necessary for our livelihood.

My parents still helped out although I didn't tell Carolyn about it. She was so determined for us to be independent of everyone.

And then on our second anniversary Carolyn informed me that we would be adding a member to our family. I remember staring at her, trying to comprehend what she had just told me. "Another baby?" I almost shouted. "What do we want another one for?"

Carolyn began to do something she rarely did – cry. I put my arms around her and stroked her hair and told her I was sorry and I really was happy. "Honest I am Ce-Ce I just didn't think we would have another this soon. I loved my daughter more than life itself, but another child?

This time around things were worse than before. I was in some of my worst classes and always felt under pressure because I had to maintain a B average to keep my job offer.

Carolyn was sick all the time, not just morning sickness but some actual problem that left her weak and needing a lot of sleep. The doctor said if she didn't take it easy it could cause harm to the baby or to her. I didn't really know how to handle that much pressure so I guess you could say that I did something awful in this time period. I went one day and picked up Carolyn's last check from the paper and took it all and spent it on some girl I met in a bar. It was the first time in almost two years that I had looked at another woman and I kept telling myself that.

Carolyn managed to keep our place nice and homey and spend time with a growing Candy, who could walk, talk and climb. Every night when I came home she'd trot up to me and throw her arms around me and I swing her around and she'd tell me about her day.

As the time came closer for the baby to be born, Carolyn was having a very hard time and I found myself spending more time away from the house. I didn't want to bother her I told myself and was actually doing her a favor by leaving often. I would spend weekends with the guys, hunting, fishing and playing cards. But I did this for Ce-Ce's own good and I think she understood that.

Jonathan Robert came to join us November 6, 1962. He weighed 5 pounds and was actually much prettier at birth then his sister had been. He was so tiny I was afraid to pick him up, for fear of hurting him.

Carolyn had been ordered by the doctor to stay in bed for awhile and not tax or strain herself in anyway. I tried to help her with the baby but found myself really afraid of being alone with him. So, I struck a deal with my parents. If they would pay for us to have a housekeeper to help Carolyn with the house and the baby I would take care of Candy. They agreed and Martha Grant came to live with us.

Martha reminded me of a drill Sergeant with no sense of humor and I knew from the moment we met that she disliked me. But she was very good with Jonathan and Carolyn adored her. With Martha doing the cooking and the cleaning things got back to normal and I found myself spending more time at home.

I graduated from law school that following May and started my new job three weeks later. During the time off, I took Carolyn to Cape May and we spent a week alone on the beach.

I hadn't realized before this that when I walked into a room with her, most men would watch her until she left. I knew she was beautiful but it had never occurred to me that other men thought so. I became highly suspicious of any man who said hello and I'm afraid I made her life miserable for a time. I soon to began to realize that was silly for me to think this way because one: she said she loved me and two: she had me and who else would she want?

We got along very well for the next year and a half and I warmed to being the father of two wonderful children. Jonathan was really quite a little guy and I enjoyed showing him how to make paper airplanes, play ball, and take him fishing. I was never happier then when I was with my children.

Carolyn and I were also getting along better than we ever had. We spent time together in the evenings discussing our plans for the future, and getting to know each other even better.  
She supported me in my job and was always ready to help me in my career by throwing a dinner party at the last moment or showing up for a social engagement with no warning. I was glad that Carolyn wanted to stay at home with the kids and not get an outside job. We were doing very well and things were really looking up. We decided we would see about buying a house in the suburbs and maybe have a child that we planned for. I'm not really sure what happened after that but you must all understand I don't see how this was my fault.

I think you will agree that Carolyn was to blame for this. I had decided to run for city council and was supposed to attend a cocktail party thrown for me at a nearby hotel, by the mayor of Philadelphia. Political endorsement from him could boost my career before it even started. I called Carolyn from work and told her that the party was set for 7:00 and she should wear her low cut black dress.

"I can't." she said simply "and neither can you. Candy is in bed with the chicken pox and calling for you and you need to come on home. She's miserable and wants her Daddy very much."

"I'll spend the whole day with her tomorrow, but I need to do this tonight. So get dressed Ce-Ce, and meet me at the bar of the hotel in 30 minutes."  
She refused -- absolutely refused. She kept going on and on about my parental responsibilities and that Candy was sick and it was our job to stay with her. I just let the phone lay on the desk picking it up once and awhile to see if she was done ranting yet. When she finally did, I said "fine, you stay home then. I'm going to the party. Tell Candy I love her and I'll bring her home a surprise. If you don't love me enough to support me then I guess I'll just do this myself."

We didn't talk for a week. It was like the old saying about the two ships passing in the night, we passed and saw but never talked. I knew she cried some at night, but she never told me. Martha told me every morning in very loud tones.

Candy said she understood that her Daddy hadn't been able to stay with her that night because he was becoming famous and some day would be president. I did buy her stuff everyday and stayed up nights with her, dousing her with calamine lotion, reading to her and playing games. Jonathan was at his grandparents out of harms' way and it reminded me of the old times.

At the party, I had been introduced to Melissa French, a college coed who was studying political science and had enjoyed talking with her. A few days later we ran into each other at a small diner and I invited her to join me. It was the gentlemanly thing to do, and I prided myself on my impeccable manners.

I soon found myself spending all my free time with Melissa and would make up excuses to get to see her. I knew after a month of seeing her that I was in love. But what could I do? I was part of a prestigious law firm, was the leading contender in the city council race and was the father of two children. But Melissa was very important to me and I knew beyond a shadow of the doubt that she was the one that I had been waiting for my entire life.

I couldn't bring myself to tell Carolyn, so I just ignored it. And I still contend that I handled it very well. Melissa of course knew all about Carolyn, after all we were married and we're together at most social functions.

Carolyn I'm sure had no idea about Melissa and I really had the best of both worlds. Not only that I knew if she did know she would not tell anyone especially our parents.

One weekend I made up a story about going hunting with the guys but Melissa and I were really going to Cape Cod for a romantic get away. I deserved it I figured. I had been working hard and Carolyn was not meeting my needs the way I felt she should. And she had started writing again. How would it look for a City Council man's wife to have a job? I tried to explain it to her but she held firm. That independence and spirit that had drawn me to her in the first place was what was pulling us apart.

So to answer your questions, yes, I did have an affair with Melissa because after all I was only human. A man can only take so much and I was beginning to get the idea that Carolyn was taking this marriage way to seriously. We had been married for six years and had gone through good and bad times and I was sure we were stronger because of them but she actually was talking about commitment and trust.

But, I couldn't understand why Carolyn kept getting so upset with me over the smallest things. I mean I couldn't play the horses without her saying that we should be more careful with our money or spend time with the guys without her fussing that we should spend more time together. She was constantly on my case to come home early, do things as a family and not spend money so recklessly.

I quit my job in September of 1966 because I felt that my boss was also too demanding and I took all of our house money out of the bank and headed for the race track. I made a little money but instead of putting it back in the bank, I decided to keep it. After all I was the man of the house and could make the decisions.

If we really needed money, I knew my parents would take care of it so I wasn't worried. Carolyn was becoming a real nag and I was becoming more and more fed up with her attitude.

I did feel sorry for her the day she found out about the 1,000. It had been so long ago I'd almost forgotten about the bet that I'd made with Thompson.

But somehow, Ce-Ce found out and confronted me with it when I got home. I knew I was in trouble when she said she wanted to talk to me and had sent Martha and the children over to her mother's.

"That's all I was?" she demanded too angry for tears to come. "Just a bet that you could get me in bed? I thought you loved me?"

"I did love you very much." I said and then hearing my own words very quickly added "I do love you. Blair and I had a rocky history, it was a sucker bet and had really nothing to do with you, darling."

"Well I'm glad to know that you thought I was at least worth that much money." she said it so calmly I was really afraid. "I hope I was worth it."

We never did make up, I died three days later in an accident, while I had stood her up on a weekend together. She came up to the Poconos and claimed my body and buried it and after that I'm not sure what happened.

But everyone can see that I'm entirely innocent in this whole thing, right? I was the best husband and father I could be. I never hit her or abused her in anyway, I made sure she had everything she ever needed and I gave her two beautiful children. I was not irresponsible or uncaring and I will attest to that. I was just human, so shoot me. If you want to find a perfect man try an angel or maybe a ghost. After all, they can afford to be perfect, they have nothing else to live for.


End file.
